The Ballad of Kenneth and Nadine (in stereo)

I.

The year was 1970. Tonga -finally- gained independence from the United Kingdom, beloved leader President Nixon signed a measure lowering the voting age to 18, hippies everywhere celebrated the first ever Earth Day by planting trees then getting high and forgetting where they parked, and Kenneth was born to Irish-Italian parents in the humble suburbs of Boston, Ma.

Unflinchingly attractive and gifted, young Kenneth excelled in go-get-it-ism and way-to-go-ology, as well as mentoring less fabulous children in the subtle art of fantasticosity.

Fraught with offers- each more exciting then the last!- after majoring in English at U Mass, Kenneth decided against an internship with Fabian Cousteau as well as an offer to serve as handsome diplomat to Dijbouti and ventured instead into a successful career as a freelance writer. He was published online and in print in such quality journals as Eye Shot, The Binnacle, Edifice WRECKED, and Pindeldyboz. He began his seminal work, a novel of redemption and cockroaches entitled Hiders, and was poised for greatness when, in October of 2004, he attended a writer's workshop overseen by literary guru Michael Neff in the bucolic Berkshire Mountains. The event was particularly star-studded - a virtual who’s who of literati, including esoteric hottie Jenna Blum and experimental fiction diva Jayne Anne Phillips. It was the last known location in which Kenneth was seen alive. Well, alive without a doe-eyed multiethnic albatross named Nadine.

II.

The year was 1980. America was still reeling from the combined horrors of Abscam and The Miracle on Ice, Ayatollah Khomeini had -finally- named Abolhassan Banisadr as the president of Iran, Berlin Alexanderplaz gave artsy nerds all over the country another reason to look down on normal people, and, in San Francisco, Ca, Nadine Darling was born on March fifth. (March fifth, incidentally, is also the birthday of Andy Gibb, who, after a run-in with Victoria Principal, is the only man known to literally die of a broken heart. Also, drugs were believed to have played a part.)

Nadine was an exceedingly sensitive child. She was crowned valedictorian of her preschool class in a highly suspect gala celebration hailed by children as old as six as riveting. At four and a half she was on top of the world. Unfortunately, she would go no further.

There were futile attempts at various endeavors and/or careers: Acting, painting, as well as a turn at contemporary dance which was recognized by a visiting George Plimpton as "asinine" and "crappy." She finally settled at writing, since writing seemed the closest work to not working, and being a writer seemed a universal doctor's note from being employed. There were kind accolades, not unlike thanks-for-trying trophies handed out to idiot dogs at Westminster: Credits at Skive and Edifice WRECKED. Then, in October of 2004, she bummed twelve hundred dollars plus air-fare off of a long-suffering relative and attended uber-novelist Michael Neff's workshop in the Berkshires.

III.

Sick with love and, at times, mono, Kenneth and Nadine quickly forged a bond through their passion for books, Brit-coms and fried cheese, and settled in Lynn, Ma - AKA Stink Town - the birthplace of Marshmallow Fluff and, oh, let's say Roger Daltrey. A force to be reckoned with, Kenneth was published in The Rose and Thorn, The Binnacle, Thieves Jargon, Pindeldyboz, Story Garden, Poor Mojo's Almanac, and Girls with Insurance. His stories were included in anthologies by Thieves Jargon and The Binnacle. He was short-listed in Bukowski Tavern's 2005 Pint and Pen Competition as well as in 2005-6 for the Binnacle's Ultra Short Competition. He recently went to work editing for Night Train, the Boston-run lit journal and brainchild of editor-to-the-stars Rusty Barnes.

Not to be outdone - much- Nadine had works published in Skive, Girls with Insurance, Opium, Word Riot, Story Garden, Poor Mojo's Almanac, Eclectica, Stranger Box, Smokelong Quarterly, Thieves Jargon, and Night Train. In July of 2006 she participated in a reading for Night Train, a dignified affair which took place in Cambridge under the watchful eye of poet and renowned BBQ chef Timothy Gager. She was short-listed for Bukowski's Pint and Pen and The Binnacle's Ultra Short Competitions and, in 2004, was nominated for a Pushcart Prize for her story "Where Things Happen." She is hard at work finishing some sort of novel or compiling a book of short stories. Or something. Just not when "So You Think You Can Dance?" is on.

Did you know that the universe (and also God) approves of the union between Kenneth and Nadine? It’s true! Their zodiac signs (Kenneth: Cancer/Nadine: Pisces) are widely believed to be among the most compatible when paired. Just look at aging sex-pots John Updike (Pisces) and Joyce Carol Oates (Cancer) - it certainly doesn’t get much hotter than that. Move over Paris Hilton and (insert random Greek shipping heir)! There’s a new power couple to disgust the masses with their baby talk and inappropriate displays of affection.

While shunning friends, family, and religion and battling a debilitating problem with casino gambling, Kenneth and Nadine have managed to overcome the odds through the power of their great love and also by parlaying their binge eating into a couple's activity. They now live in the greater Boston area with (the memory of) their morbidly obese yet calm/submissive Corgi, Alex. The couple hopes that the public will respect their desire for privacy, unless of course the public has pie.